Why That ‘Optional’ Work Hangout Can Feel So Stressful, According to Science

That casual calendar invite for after-work drinks seems harmless enough. But for many of us, a simple “Do you want to hang out?” from a coworker triggers a wave of anxiety. It kicks off a mental debate: Should I go? What happens if I don’t? Do I even have the energy for this?

While the feeling is common, the reasons behind it have been a mystery. Now, a new study in the scientific journal Personnel Psychology finally explains what’s going on. In “Do You Want to Hang Out?”, researchers took a close look at the simple act of being invited to a social event at work.

Their findings confirm what many of us have felt for years: the invitation itself is a powerful moment that can either make us feel great or leave us feeling completely drained.

A Simple Question, Two Very Different Reactions

The study shows that when we get a work invitation, our brain goes down one of two very different paths.

The “Good Vibe” Path: For some people, getting an invite is a clear sign that they belong and are a valued part of the team. This makes them feel genuinely thankful. According to the research, this feeling acts like a deposit in your mental bank account, boosting how valuable you feel at work and making you more likely to help the person who invited you. It’s a win-win.
The “Energy Drain” Path: For others, the same invitation feels like a chore that threatens their personal time and energy. This causes stress, which drains their mental battery and leads to emotional exhaustion. The study found a direct link between this feeling of exhaustion and pulling back at work, like avoiding meetings or just mentally checking out. The invitation becomes a tax on their well-being.

The most important takeaway is that both reactions are perfectly normal. The difference just depends on who you are.

From the Real World: The “Energy Economics” of Work
The study’s “energy drain” path is a feeling many people know well, even if they don’t use the scientific terms. In online discussions, it’s often called “unpaid emotional labor.”
This idea reframes the issue from being “antisocial” to simply understanding your personal capacity. Many people describe spending all day managing conversations at work, leaving their “social fuel tank” on empty by the end of the day. An after-work event isn’t relaxing; it’s an overdraft on an already empty account.

Why do some people feel great about an invitation while others feel dread? The researchers found one key reason: social confidence.

Put simply, this is how comfortable you feel handling social situations.

The study showed that people with lower social confidence were far more likely to feel drained by an invitation. Because they aren’t as sure-footed in unstructured social settings, the invite feels like a high-pressure test. The thought of making awkward small talk or saying the wrong thing to a boss is a real threat, and that triggers stress.

On the flip side, people with high social confidence see the invitation as a fun opportunity, making them more likely to feel thankful and enjoy the benefits.

“If you want to build a ship, don’t drum up the men to gather wood, divide the work, and give orders. Instead, teach them to yearn for the vast and endless sea.” — Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

The Stress Starts the Moment You’re Asked

One of the most interesting findings was that the stress isn’t about the party or the happy hour itself. It’s about the invitation. The feelings of gratitude or stress kick in the moment you’re asked.

The whole process of making the decision — weighing the pros and cons, worrying about what will happen if you say no — is the part that drains your energy.

From the Real World: The “Mandatory Fun” Dilemma
This stress gets much worse when you feel your career is on the line. Many people worry that these “optional” events aren’t really optional at all. As one person put it, “a beer with your boss’ boss can do more for your career than years of quietly getting the job done.”
This turns a fun get-together into what some call “mandofun” — mandatory fun. The choice is no longer about what you want to do, but what you feel you have to do for your job.

What We Can Do About It

The good news is that this research gives us a roadmap for creating healthier workplaces.

For You: Know that it’s okay to feel stressed by these invitations. Understanding that your “social battery” is limited can help you set boundaries without feeling guilty.
For Managers: Remember that everyone is different. Make it clear that social events are truly optional and that there’s no penalty for not going.
For Companies: Design social events that work for everyone. That could mean holding them during work hours or offering different kinds of activities — not just happy hours. The goal is to create a culture where saying “no, thanks” is a perfectly normal and acceptable thing to do.

In the end, real teamwork isn’t built by forcing people to have fun together. It’s built on respect for each other’s time, energy, and personal boundaries.

“A boss has the title. A leader has the people.” — Simon Sinek

Final Word 🪅